Repent at leisure…

It’s an old saying, but oh, so true.

I had a rough and rocky teen years. Teen angst is real, y’all. I tried my best but there was that aforementioned problem with questioning everything. I was grounded most of my senior year.

Segway into a pregnancy at 17, and a volcanic break from my childhood sweetheart. I hoped that one day we’d be together, when he grew up and worked through his issues. Hope springs eternal in the heart of a teen.

It was not to be. When our son was just over three years old, my true love was killed in a tragic car accident.

Devastation.

Next up, the Air Force cop who was everything to me, and I was his girlfriend – while he was at this post. Promises of marriage, eternal love, etc., where shattered when he deferred, just days before he got out of the Air Force to return home. “I can’t raise another mans child” was his lame excuse. Off he left us, all three of us crying – my son, myself, the betrayer. Heartbreak again.

So I was done with love. If I ever got married, it was going to be by the book. I formulated a list of requirements- this would be the answer.

To say I was jaded was an understatement.

I met a friend of my sons aunt. We began to talk, long distance. He lived in the Pacific Northwest, I lived in the west. He checked off the boxes.

We arranged to meet.

28 years ago today, I eloped. One of the biggest mistakes of my life.

I meant well. I had a formula, and he seemed to fit the mold.

Except his great job was undermined by devastating debt, and nothing to show for it.

The home he rented was a shag rugged, velvet couched pit of filth.

He was not who he presented himself to be.

In a panic, I asked his father for money so I could keep the power on. Keep the car from being repoed. Keep the phone.

I planned my escape – could I?

No.

I got pregnant a month later.

Marry in haste, repent at leisure.

I made my bed.

So I tried. I got the finances in order. We moved into a better home. I took care of myself, my pregnancy, and my son, and I did my best.

Three years later, he was forced out of his job for insubordination.

We moved to his family home in the Midwest. His true nature returned en force. Filth. Anger. Snot rockets. Disappearing at night.

I soldiered on. I was a Christian disciple now, and I didn’t have grounds for divorce.

We lived in poverty. We had a great church family, and my faith kept me looking up.

When he took up with a pregnant stripper, I finally had enough. I was six months pregnant myself, going to work and school full time. Adultery was the straw that broke the weary camels back. We separated.

Seven years after that hasty elopement in a small gambling town, I was free.

Three kids ages 2-12. Stone flat broke. No child support. No alimony.

I learned a lot – the hard way. Unfortunately, so did my children.

I graduated from nursing school and worked full time at a well paying job. Once graduation came, I slowly clawed my way into self sufficiency. I learned to love myself. To take time.

It was a perfect setup for the sociopath abuser who came next. A predator who had evil thoughts toward my children.

Of this, I cannot write yet. It was three years of terror. I fear his presence to this day. We escaped in a hasty flee, packing a truck and leaving while he was at work. The damage from that evil “man” has residual ripples even now.

But we got away.

I stayed away from dating for several years. I got counseling. The PTSD from #2 still paralyzes me at times, but less frequently.

I can see now, all these years later, how one hurt led to a desperate decision. How blind trust led to a dangerous situation.

I had to stop running, and make peace with my past. Apologize to my children. Forgive myself.

In 2007 I met a wonderful man. We took it slow, we had fun as friends, we fell in love. I continued getting therapy throughout. After 18 months, and counseling at church, we married.

Now I am at peace. I am secure in who I am, and I am loved by a man who has never harmed me or my children. Slowly, the old wounds heal. I breathe easier. Our family grows in love and trust.

I’m safe.

I’m blessed.