It’s Step Family Day.

There is a “day” for everything, but I am living the step family life, and I know that millions of others are, too, so I acknowledge this day as important.

When my husband and I got married, our five children ranged in ages from 10 to 21.

Deciding to get married when your kids are heading into the tween and teen years is daunting.

We’ve learned a lot over the last 12 years.

First and foremost, being a stepmom is the most thankless job on the planet. You get all the blood, sweat, and tears – but no glory or credit. If you are heading into a step family, moms, you need to understand this. The beginning is hard, and it takes years – YEARS – to get better.

Second, before you get married and blend your families, get counseling, and read up. “The Smart Stepfamily” by Ron Deal is a great book which outlines the path of the stepfamily. Even armed with that before I got married, it’s still a tough row to hoe.

Third, realize you have to remain a united front with your spouse – the marriage comes before the kids. It’s the order of things that keeps the foundation firm.

Forth, you will learn patience. It takes a lot of time for the family to blend – as Ron Deal says, it’s a crock pot, not a blender. You will eventually all find your places – or maybe you will have outliers who refuse to blend. You have to understand everyone moves into their place at their own speed. It cannot be forced.

Fifth, get support. I don’t know what I’d do without my blended family small group, and my girlfriends who are walking this same journey. The mentors who have been together 35 years and live to tell the tale of love and survival…and persistence.

When you are dating and everyone has their rose colored glasses on, it seems like it can’t be that hard. You get married, and it’s happy ever after!

Wrong.

It’s very hard. The challenges step families face continue, to some degree, forever.

So on this step family day, pray for your step family, if you are in one.

If your child or sibling is in a step family, realize that the kids are part of the family now. Don’t ostracize the children that have married into the relationship. Acknowledge them just as you do your biologically related kids. We have an adopted son – we don’t treat him any different. It’s hurtful to our kids when they are treated as an afterthought, or ignored.

If you are an ex, don’t try an alienate the children from their step parent. Your insecurities are not for the children to bear. A loving step parent is a gift – someone who will take good care of the children when they are not with you. Parental alienation includes alienation from the spouse and/or their kids – not only is it morally wrong, it’s a chargeable offense in court.

Our blended family is growing, and now includes another son and daughter in law, a wonderful son in law, a daughter in love, and six grandsons. For the most part, everyone has grown to love each other.

For the rest, we pray.

I put my arms around the stepfamilies today.

It takes a lot of love to put back together what had been destroyed.

We choose love and faith, and that’s what holds us together.