It’s still 2020.

I had my annual mammogram yesterday. I’ve been faithful to get them since I was 42. I know, I should have started at 40, but frankly, I was terrified. SO many people I know have had breast cancer.

This morning around 9am, my gynecologist’s secretary called and said “Dr S just wanted to make sure you’ve got your follow up appointment.”

“Uhhhhhhhhh….for what?” I stammered.

“He got your mammogram report, and wants to make sure you are getting follow up.”

October 1. Breast cancer awareness month.

A rush of adrenaline courses through me, and I feel light headed. The room spins. Cindy. Sharon. Melissa. Beth. All lost to breast cancer.

I call the hospital, and the kind voice in the other end of the phone hears my calm terror. She works me in.

October 1, 2020. I’m sitting in the waiting room, same as I was yesterday. Same exact time.

Today, though, every turn of a door makes me jump. I’m waiting for them to call me…and one by one I am passed over for other anonymous numbers.

They were 45 minutes late yesterday. Today I am 30 minutes early and yet, tick tick tick… my appointment time comes and goes.

Terrible thoughts try to race through my head. I pull out my phone and read my Bible devotions for today.

A side door opens. My number. My turn.

Another mammogram – more specific, much more painful. Cheerful sonographer helps lighten my gloom.

The scan is still suspicious. Now to door number two – ultrasound.

I feel the earth spinning. I slow my breathing, closing my eyes to keep myself from straining my eyes to try and see the screen. The sonographer works methodically, and she, too, sighs as she says it looks fine. She can’t see anything suspicious.

She has to go give it to the reading radiologist. The clock ticks loudly to my right. The ultrasound hums it’s white noise. Time stands still.

After what seems like hours the door opens again.

All clear. Fibroglandular tissue. The doctor reviewed past scans and today’s findings. I’m reassured. Reviewed. Reassured.

Cindy. Sharon. Melissa. Beth.

I only had a nanosecond of what you went through.

I’m back to eating vegan and planning my half marathon. Back to life.

Gratitude is pumping through my veins.

October 1, 2020.

Par.