I was the middle child of a middle child. We were both the only girls in our families.

I grew up freckled, bespectacled, and fang toothed. Oh, and I had stick straight, strawberry blonde hair.

Based on my memories of these years, I told my own children during their awkward years that it’s a good thing not to peak in high school. Or earlier!!

In high school I was 5’7” and felt like a giant. I was a whopping 120 pounds.

The early goon years deeply affected me. I skulked down the halls of my high school, feeling awkward and ugly.

I was neither.

When I met my first love, I was drawn to his amazing good looks…and felt I’d never have a chance with him because I was such a homely girl.

Now, looking back, I can see that at 16 I was quite lovely. I had clear skin, and bright green eyes. I had perfect teeth once the braces came off, and I was slender, with the natural grace that came from a lifetime of dancing. Looking at the pictures now, I see that I was in fact a very pretty girl.

I’d never been told that then, and I never would have believed it if I had been.

This total lack of self esteem wrought the usual havoc in the life of a teenaged girl…or young woman.

The constant self doubt. The clamoring for male attention. The hunched shoulders as one tries to disappear in crowds.

That gorgeous young man and I were together three years before I broke it off after a fractious and threatening fight.

By then, I had his baby boy.

Two years later, the young Adonis was killed in a car accident – and now I was a single mom, with a hard work ethic, and no self esteem…and a broken heart.

Eventually my relationship with God pulled me off of the treadmill of abusive men that followed. I learned to love the person God made me to be – and it had nothing at all to do with my looks.

I am comfortable in my skin, and I spend the majority of my time improving my character and my health. Although I can frankly say I’m a very attractive woman, I spend most days in ponytails and sweats, bent over a computer as I write or blog.

My focus has been on healing that young girl, so that I can teach other women what’s important. It’s not about looks. Or sex. Or loving your body. All these things change and morph…and leave.

Character stays.

I look back at the pretty girl in her prom dress, and I know that her humiliation made her into the God seeking servant she is now.

I am grateful.