For the past few months, while I am sleeping at night, I feel more submerged than asleep.

At least once an hour, my mind will try to surface. I will hear the dogs rustling. The wind blowing. My husband snoring.

I feel my body rising from the depths, and as my head nearly breaks the surface of consciousness, I will sink back again, sinking into darkness…and sleep.

My dreams have been surreal – otherworldly, different than dreams from years past.

I wonder how much of this is post Covid. My heart rate was affected, and has not normalized in the weeks since my mild case.

Or is it because I am beginning EMDR trauma therapy?

Am I trying to escape the unconsciousness – or sink back into it?

What I am not getting is rest.

So, for now, I am just “being”. I am not working, for the first time since I was 15 years old.

The struggle is within the state of calm – the not having to rush, to struggle.

The struggle from deep within.

I’m looking forward to healing.