I am a person who appreciates beauty. I know I am not alone in this – I also know people who coast through life without appreciating the beauty around them.

Nature astonished me with the beauty that can be found there – from tiny insects, to fields of rippling hay, to birds of every color and size. Even as I write this I appreciate the beauty of birdcall just outside my window.

Every day a beautiful sun rises and sets, and at night the majestic beauty of the night sky can mesmerize for hours.

There are some people that are definitely beautiful, and I recognize the pleasing way that their features are assembled.

Not everyone is beautiful, and I wish, in my naive way, that the world would stop making that a measuring stick, mostly for females.

Raising a daughter is different than raising sons, though I had the same message for both – be a person of character, and look for a mate that is a person of character.

I stressed honesty – it’s a subject mentioned multiple times in the Bible, and the Ten Commandments. Every child struggled with this, but learned it was a character trait worth developing. Each lie is a trap you yourself will fall into later.

I have gone through life barely wearing makeup, but truth be told, once I got through puberty, I fell into the attractive human category. Luck of the draw, but I have not had to worry about meeting a societal expectation of how to look. Now I’m at an age where I just don’t care what people think, and I’m more concerned with my health, and taking care of myself.

There’s a huge beauty industry out there thriving on the hopes, dreams, and expectations of young girls, through women older than me. The expectation is, if you are female, you need to be beautiful. In order to be beautiful, you must look like this, dress like that.

Not everyone is beautiful in face or form.

Much better to have a kind heart, a servants love, and selflessness. This is the beauty that counts! It’s hard to be selfless when you are focused on how you look, and spend so much time conforming to societal norms.

Social media has fed the monster, and I’m just as guilty as the rest of the selfie taking females trying to focus on what really doesn’t matter.

Charm is deceitful, beauty is vain – but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Proverbs 31:30

Unfortunately, the fair of face get the attention. There will never be a magazine devoted to the good souls who get up every day, worship their God, and serve others.

God sees, though, and their reward will be in heaven.

Meanwhile social media and magazines with be filled with impossible standards, reached only by conforming or transforming oneself to meet the current ideal of beauty.

You’ll never get there. So concentrate on what matters, what you can change – a wicked heart. A selfish countenance. Lips that are deceitful. This is the path to inner beauty, and it’s the beauty that will sustain the ultimate test of time.

I’m sitting in my living room on a quiet Saturday morning. As often happens on days like today, I am grateful for the many blessings in my life – for my relationship with God, which has sustained me all these years. I’m so thankful for my husband, who is a Godly man, adores me, cares for me in every way. I’m blessed with my children, and now grand children. I’m thankful for my family, and spending time with them.

When I was aged 17-30, I was broke. At times I was on the poverty line – other times, below. I’m so grateful my parents would help when things got desperate! I lived in Florida as a single mom, working a minimum of 2 jobs, and I never had a car with air conditioning. My old Datsun got me from Utah to Florida and back – I literally drove that car until it fell apart. The last straw was sitting in the median and my entire exhaust system falling off.

I lived in a 800 square foot apartment, making $1000 a month. I made the best of it, though going to do my laundry at the laundry mat was a trial. I did like that I could get it all done at once. I just had to keep my three year old occupied.

When I married and moved to Washington in 1990, I thought I’d be better off financially – after all, he was a police officer, making $80k a year. I was in for a rude awakening – due to a gambling addiction, he had nothing to show for his wages. So we struggled financially. He was fired for insubordination in 1993, and things quickly went downhill.

We moved to Illinois, where he worked at his fathers business, getting paid under the table. I didn’t see the money. When he left for his girlfriends house for good, I knew I had to do something different. In 1995 I was working full time, going to school – and pregnant with my third child. No child support would come forth for almost 2 decades, and then it was court ordered, and trickled in irregularly.

Throughout it all, I was geographically distant from my family during the college years. My church was my family, and I did my best to raise the kids on a paupers income. They learned the value of money, of saving, budgeting, tithing. They definitely learned the difference between needs and wants.

Those years of college where the toughest yet. I had a baby, a 4 year old, and a sick 10 year old – a child with a chronic illness that was in and out of the hospital frequently. I lived in a series of dives, drove a series of clunker cars that fell apart one by one, and learned to stretch my money with coupons.

With the help of my parents and my church, I graduated from nursing school in 1997. Things began to improve.

When I moved back to Florida in 2000, seeing the laundry mat brought me to tears. I was – and am – so grateful for a washer and dryer! When I go past the tiny apartment I lived in, I’m reminded how far I’ve come. Riding in an air conditioned car, I remember the years of tossing my hair up and going to work in a tank top and shorts, just to clean up and get dressed when I got there.

I don’t take any of it for granted.

My kids grew up on hand-me-downs and good will finds. They had limited toys, but unlimited love. They ate meals out of boxes with the word Helper on them, and ate a lot of potatoes. They waited for movies to come out on VHS. They played outside with cheap water toys, and spent time at the beach with a dollar store bucket and shovel.

Despite this, or maybe because of it, they are good people. They are all adults now, and they all are servants – they look for opportunities to help others. They have sympathetic hearts. They are grateful for what they have – none of them are materialistic.

It was tough in the broke years, but it makes me count my blessings every single day.

God was faithful to my little family, and the heritage of that faithfulness is continuing on to the next generation.

I say a pray of thankfulness today, and every day.

Send me. Isaiah 6:8.

It’s my first Monday as I start my life away from a scheduled work environment.

Here I am Lord, send me.

The mission field really does start right outside my front door.

This morning as I prepare for my day, it’s the cry of my heart – what do you want me to do today? I want to be sensitive to the still, soft voice of God. To go where He tells me to go, do what He tells me to do.

Today I start teaching Vacation Bible School. There will be 60 young lives and hearts passing through my class. I’m humbled and very mindful of the responsibility I have.

I couldn’t do it without God. I wouldn’t!

I’m praying today for God to saturate that church with His presence. Lord use this frail vessel to show Your love and teach Your Word.

Here I am, Lord.

Today is Father’s Day, and I know I am blessed to honor my Daddy – today and everyday. I’m so glad that he is alive and healthy…many friends have lost their dads. To those that have lost their dad, I pray God will comfort you today.

A good dad is a wonderful thing. I didn’t appreciate him when I was a child – he was strict. Nothing got past him. We wouldn’t even try to lie to him – his BS meter was honed in on us, and if he didn’t see that we were lying, he would find out soon. We would then be punished for lying…but the real punishment was knowing we disappointed him.

My dad had standards of excellence- he wanted the best for his kids. He has been disappointed over and over, but he still loves us, and points us in the right direction when we get off track. Even now, in adulthood, I appreciate his advice and candor.

Now that I am older, I want to spend more time with my dad. We talk and text almost daily, and his wicked fast sense of humor is still at play – no one can make something into a bad pun as quick as my dad can!

My dad was a career military officer, and I am so thankful for his service. He is a hero to me, distinguished flying cross or not. He put his life on the line for his country…and for us.

It’s a delight now to see my dad be a grandfather…and a great grandfather! Kids have always loved my dad, and the grands and great grands adore him.

Anyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad. My father has always been my Daddy.

I am blessed, indeed.

Happy Father’s Day, Daddy.

1301 CST

I just clocked out for the last time. My career as a registered nurse is going on the back burner. I am blessed to be able to step back into a life as a wife, mother, grandmother, daughter, sister.

From this moment forth, my focus is on my health – spiritual, physical, and mental.

It’s a big step. It’s time.

To the future!!

Today is my firstborn son’s birthday.

It’s a day that I remember the promises of God with extra poignancy.

I was 17 when I became pregnant. His father was 16. We were young, very much in love, and invincible. I panicked when I found out I was pregnant – I was in college already, but I wasn’t ready to start a family.

First love is a powerful thing – but I knew getting married wasn’t going to be the answer for the crisis I was in.

Abortion wasn’t the answer, either. I was – and am – steadfastly pro-life.

I began to pray to God to forgive me for my sins, and guide me in my decisions.

I had pressure on ALL sides to abort. It was very intense. I listened to all their rationales, and still I prayed. Lord, guide me – if you want me to put this child up for adoption, then give me the strength to do that.

If you want me to keep him, never let me be without food or shelter for him – help me provide for him.

After much prayer and so many tears, I had clear direction. I dropped out of college so I could support myself and the new child coming into my life.

I dedicated him to God while he was still in the womb- I gave him to God.

I’ve never regretted that.

His father, my first love, was tragically killed in a car accident when my son was just over 3 years old. He is the only son left behind.

I spent his childhood struggling in poverty, but we always had food and shelter – and a church family. He is a charismatic, kind, selfless, handsome, talented man. God has big plans for his life.

Today I say a prayer of thanksgiving for the joy my son has brought me.

I pray the heritage of serving God will not be something he runs from, but rather runs to.

I’m standing on the promises of God, Who wants so much more for this sweet son.

The night before…

Twenty one years ago, on May 23, I was on the eve of graduating from nursing school.

I was a broke single mom with a chronically ill child. I was not receiving child support. I was no joke broke! I was on food stamps, living in a dump, and my parents were paying for childcare. At graduation, my children were 2 1/2, 6, and 12. I was pregnant when I started college.

This eve led to a completely new life – a career that would lift my family out of poverty. A job that was also a mission. I would find my passion, women’s health. It was the beginning of a lifetime of learning.

I was present at hundreds of births, and delivered dozens myself. I also cared for families going through unimaginable pain.

I’ve work in cardiac care units, working overtime in an area which is chronically short staffed.

I spent seven years working straight night shift.

Ten years were spent serving military families.

I’m passionate about health. I love being a registered nurse!

Tomorrow afternoon when I walk out the doors of the hospital I work at, a new chapter will begin. Just as life changing and momentous as the eve 21 years ago.

On this eve, I am at peace. I’m also nervous, and more than a little sad.

Big changes are coming.

Breathe.

“Proverbs 17:6 NKJV Children’s children are the crown of old men, And the glory of children is their father.”

Grandchildren are most definitely a reward!

We spent the weekend with our first grandchildren, twin boys. I hadn’t seen them since their exciting premature entrance into the world six months ago. It was my husbands first time seeing them.

It was wonderful!

When we got married and had a pile of pre-teens and teenagers, we certainly were not thinking about grandchildren. We were thinking about survival! It was one day at a time, and trying to keep perspective.

Now that we are empty nesters, jetting to see our daughters family was a great transition. Getting to see her growing as a wife, mother, and juggling nursing school and part time work, while her husband took great care of his family and was so interactive and participating in the care of the babies – it was a proud parenting moment for us.

The babies were a delight – all the things people say about being a grandparent are true. It’s a whole new level of love! Watching my husband be a dad is always great, but seeing him with the grand babies was transformative.

It made me love him all the more.

It was extremely difficult to leave my daughter and son and law behind. It’s so difficult to be so far away from the babies – I’m grateful for my son in laws service as a military member. The distance is hard on the grandparent heart.

I’m not quite knitting booties yet, but I need to finish my cross stitch for them! I fully embrace my glamma role! 😉

Something I have learned as I have lived and grown, divorced and remarried, had kids and then step kids, is this – love never divides. It multiplies!

We have sat down on multiple occasions with the kids and reminded them that we are not trying to replace their bio parent – we believe it’s great when you have more people in your lives that love you. We just had this deprogramming conversation within the last couple of months.

If you’re insecure, you will be jealous of the love someone else is giving your children. I miss the kids when they are away from me, but I am thankful for any healthy, loving relationship that they are in.

Anyone that causes division is not coming from a place of love.

It seems like an easy concept, but evidently it is not. I hear story after story of parental alienation, kids poisoned against their own parent or step parent, families siding with the bio side and refusing to acknowledge the new spouse or kids.

Love multiplies.

Keep on loving, even when it hurts. The fruit of love will multiply in your family and produce more love. It will stop division in its tracks, if you take a stand.

This week, two celebrities committed suicide.

I try to not read the comments under the articles about these tragic losses. More often than not, a lot of judgment and statements about selfishness are thrown around.

I know from personal experience with depression that despair is a terrifying and mind altering experience.

When you are suffering from a mental illness exacerbation – and it is suffering in its deepest, darkest, most soul shattering form – you are not in your right mind. Your vision is clouded, obscured by a lens of wrenching agony.

This is not enjoyable.

Mental illness is also not a choice.

Over and over again there will be cries to remove the stigma of mental illness. This absolutely needs to happen! For the most part, though, it is still taboo, judged, and looked down on…not just by society at large, but also by the medical community. Although illegal and immoral, people are still losing jobs or not hired at all because of these diagnoses, even though it doesn’t affect their daily work performance.

When I talk about my diabetes and the daily struggles I have in the management of it, I get sympathy. I get encouragement. I can educate others about it, and people will listen…after all, diabetes is an illness. Like heart disease. High blood pressure. Etc.

I didn’t choose to be diabetic, and I certainly didn’t choose major depression.

It’s a lot easier to converse about the former than the later. Although diagnosed with major depressive disorder over 20 years ago, I, too, kept quiet for over two decades, for fear of judgment. It is a medical diagnosis, caused by faulty neurochemistry. Not my fault. Not my choice!

When someone commits suicide, I understand on a deep level, though fortunately I have never seriously contemplated it myself. I know of the abyss that I have circled at times, and I can feel the centrifugal pull of it as it drains my hope and will during those bad days. I hear the siren call of it, and it’s a struggle to hold steady.

Through medication, therapy, diet and exercise, prayer and good friends, I have not been sucked into that vortex.

Others are not so fortunate.

A friend and coworker took her life this year. It was devastating for her friends and family. People said what they always say – how could they do that? I didn’t know they were depressed! Why would they do that to their family? They had everything going for them!!

They did it because they were ill. Because they were not in their right mind. Because the darkness had overtaken all rational thought, pushing aside what kept them moving forward. They succumbed to the pain. It is always a tragic loss…not something to look down on and throw stones at.

To those who are suffering today – know you are not alone. You are sick. There are treatments. You can feel better! Talk to your doctor. Get some counseling. Take steps to find a way to treat your disease.

To those who are circling the abyss of despair – call a suicide hotline. 1-800-273-8255. Take yourself to a hospital and tell them you can’t go on. Phone a friend and ask them to take you to the hospital. Save yourself. Then you can work on getting out of the vortex of pain, and walk day by day toward a functional, even rewarding, life. One day at a time.

To the families of people with mental illness – we didn’t choose this. We may need medicine. You wouldn’t deny me my insulin – I would literally die without it. Mental illness is not something we are going to “snap out of”. We may have a smile on our face and be functioning as parents, workers, fellow church going family. We have a diagnosis. Don’t condemn us for it, or limit us

Finally, to those that are judging the depressed, the mentally ill, the suicidal, and judging the ones who have committed suicide – just stop. Please! Pray for these poor souls, and get educated. It’s not helping to be judgmental, and it does even more damage to those around you that are suffering.

May all who have succumbed to the despair Rest In Peace. Pray for their families.

May the rest of us cherish our lives, and do the best to be as healthy as we can – mentally, physically, and spiritually.